If you want something done cheap, do it yourself. Last Thursday I flew to Los Angeles to hang up posters for One-Handed Witch. Landing at dawn, I hailed a ride to Hollywood and spent the next 7+ hours plastering the streets black and white. At 3 PM I toured The Broadwater Theatre for the first time, having booked it sight unseen. Everything was in working order and nothing smelled like shit. I’d call that a success. I also met a local sound engineer, Mia Glenn and hired her on the spot. Finally, at 4:30 PM I tried to hail a ride from Hollywood to LAX, and that’s when my day turned from palm trees and a warm breeze to cacti and sand in the eye. No ride came and I started walking.
After three blocks I tried to hail a ride again. Nope. With no bicycle or unicycle on hand, I hopped on a rentable e-scooter and started cooking. I rode two miles, and it ran out of battery. I found and rode another scooter a mile and it ran out of battery. I found a third scooter and rode it a handful of miles right out of the operational zone and into the red zone. That’s when the e-scooter excitement stopped. I started walking again and tried to hail a ride. Nope. I went back to the scooter and looked up the red zone boundaries to see if I could scoot around it and somehow get to the airport. There was a way, but it would be tight.
Three miles later I hit the red zone. The scooter stopped and the bike lane and sidewalk disappeared and I was surrounded by oil fields in the middle of Culver City. All that stood before me was a long stretch of highway and a hill. I started walking again and tried to hail a ride. Nope. After juggling rocks for five minutes, I decided to push through the red zone, maybe the scooter would turn back on. Pushing for half a mile, I finally reached the top of the hill, I could see the highway below me. Suddenly the scooter turned on and I took off down the hill; my top hat stood erect on my head, my hair waved in the wind, rocks and bugs flew everywhere! I was going to make my flight.
After four miles, I came around a corner and saw airplanes in the sky. I was elated and so close I could hear their engines rumbling, and then the scooter stopped. I hit another red zone. I didn’t even try to hail a ride, I knew it was a sliver of a red zone so I started paddling down the sidewalk river for another 10-12 blocks, crossed a street and the scooter turned on again. Go to hell, Lyft/Uber/Taxis-R-Us whoever you are. I was at the airport.
Burning down the sidewalk past pedestrians, I pulled up to the bike racks, jumped off the scooter and tried to terminate my ride. I couldn’t; I was in a red zone. Growling with frustration, I jumped back on the scooter and rode out of the red zone and into an operational zone two blocks away. I parked the scooter outside a Sheraton Hotel. Turning and whirling, I ran back to the airport.
After two trips through security and a run around the airport, I was finally sitting on the plane exhaling, inhaling, sweating, when I noticed my legs were full of blood and bulging. I rode from Hollywood to LAX by e-scooter, 15 miles, in two hours. It was messy, but I made it.
If you want something done cheap, do it yourself. If you want to hail a ride from Hollywood to LAX at 4:30 PM in the afternoon on a Thursday, nope.
One-Handed Witch will be shown, October 7-8, 2022 at 8 PM, at The Broadwater Theatre Main Stage in Hollywood, CA. Do whatever it takes to get there. Get tickets!
-Samson
