Wedding a witch is not a walk through a carnival Fun House. Attempting to wed a one-handed witch is near suicidal. Yet people have tried and most have failed and been turned into amphibians or the main course at the next coven circle ritual. But if you’re hell bent on wedding a witch, if you can’t live another minute without one by your side through health and surely sickness, then this is your How to Wed a Witch step by step instruction—summarized for the sake of short attention spans.
Trap the witch. Witches are crafty, stealthy and whilly. A one-handed witch is deadly. The only proven way to trap one is with bait. Young children work superbly well as bait, but small animals like foxes will also work.
Bind the witch. No one likes to be bound, unless you’re in the business of being bound, but witches in particular hate it. Binding a witch requires a silver chain and the skill to throw it over them like a lasso. If you lack the chain or the hunting skill, you best run for the hills.
Cast a spell. Witches must be put under spell or subdued with small drops of poison to submit to your wedding proposal; neither will work on a one-handed witch. Learn the spells and how to concoct the poison. If one fails you have a fail-safe backup. Odds are you'll have only one chance to nail it.
Blackmail a priest. Someone will need to perform the ceremony, someone will need to be a witness and someone will need to have dirt under their fingernails. Threaten a subversive priest and put the wheels in motion. A one-handed witch sets fire to priests. If your heart’s desire has turned in that direction, soak yourself with a hose or bring a fire extinguisher to the ceremony.
Kiss the bride. You won't survive the copulation let alone the night. Best you get a kiss from a witch before you die or get fed to bears—a favorite practice of the One-Handed Witch.
Witch-lovers and wedding planners, follow these steps at your own lustful discretion. I learned all I know about witches from books, movies, Reddit and the large marble I mistook for a crystal ball at a pawn shop.
One-Handed Witch flies to Chicago, October 13-14! She will be screened/performed at Links Hall, home of the Chicago International Puppet Theatre Festival. Get tickets to the Chicago premiere!
See you at the show.
-Samson
